I have been rather confused lately, and enormously depressed, so I haven't felt the desire to blog. I thought I was pregnant, took a store's worth amount of tests, swore I saw a line on one of them but not the rest, went to the doctor, had my heart broken, and started bleeding.
That's the short version.
My doctor told me to accept my cycles because there is nothing I can do about it, and I intend to prove her wrong.
I have been spotting for oh.. three weeks or so, with all different colors showing on my toilet paper, but nothing further than that.
My breasts have been hurting like an S.O.B., which is not something I am used to. They look different too, all veiny and large-areolaed (I know those aren't words Mr. Spellcheck, but I'm tired and depressed. Leave me alone.)
Over the past few days, my spotting has been increasing, and now I think I can definitely call it a period, which puts me into another cycle, but I haven't the foggiest day which day I'm on.
It is a definite slap in the face to tell me I'm not pregnant, when I have been holding onto the thinnest thread of hope with my "symptoms." Really, I knew all along, but it's so hard to accept the fact that I have to start trying all over again, when I wished so hard for a Christmas surprise.
So now I plan for January. New year--new baby? I hope so! This also means that if I conceive right away, the baby will be due at the same time Montana and Tristan were due. Yeah. Scary. Wonderful. Incredible.
I am looking into different natural and prescribed stimulants to make conception possible, and it could take a while to know if I ovulate on my own, or if I need something to help.
I am trying to find a basal body thermometer so I can start charting my temperatures, and I am still checking my cervix.
Hopefully the next time I blog I will have a better idea of where I am in my cycle. Even though my heart broke when I realized this spotting wasn't implantation, it is nice to know that I ovulated, and will again hopefully.
I just wish the commercials and T.V. shows would leave me alone for a while.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Thursday, December 2, 2010
2WW D17
Took another test this morning, and it was negative. I wasn't surprised, of course, but I was disappointed. I ignored the heart ache all day, and I feel sick from the sadness. I know I need to learn to be patient, most people don't conceive right away, but with my body, I don't know if it will happen at all.
I am so frustrated! I am sad, lonely, disappointed, depressed. I want to SCREAM! I want to cry, and hurt myself. I want to throw up. There is so much going on in my head and my heart, and I can't really fix it.
I hate my body! I want to know what the hell it's doing! Am I ovulating? Am I pregnant and not registering it yet? Am I infertile?
Women complain every month about their periods, but they don't know how lucky they are. If I had a regular, predictable cycle, I wouldn't be going through this. As it stands, I don't know when I ovulate, or even if I do. It is so unfair.
Meanwhile there are women everywhere having more babies, and some of them shouldn't be. What did I do to deserve this pain?
Anyway. No point going on and on about it, it doesn't make me feel better. I need a good cry, I think.
My next step is to call the doctor and make an appointment. There is still a chance that I conceived five days ago, so I will make the appointment for late next week or the week after. I need to talk to my doctor about what I am going through, and see what she suggests.
Just in case, I will keep up the charade that I may still be pregnant.
2WW D17
Symptoms:
I am so frustrated! I am sad, lonely, disappointed, depressed. I want to SCREAM! I want to cry, and hurt myself. I want to throw up. There is so much going on in my head and my heart, and I can't really fix it.
I hate my body! I want to know what the hell it's doing! Am I ovulating? Am I pregnant and not registering it yet? Am I infertile?
Women complain every month about their periods, but they don't know how lucky they are. If I had a regular, predictable cycle, I wouldn't be going through this. As it stands, I don't know when I ovulate, or even if I do. It is so unfair.
Meanwhile there are women everywhere having more babies, and some of them shouldn't be. What did I do to deserve this pain?
Anyway. No point going on and on about it, it doesn't make me feel better. I need a good cry, I think.
My next step is to call the doctor and make an appointment. There is still a chance that I conceived five days ago, so I will make the appointment for late next week or the week after. I need to talk to my doctor about what I am going through, and see what she suggests.
Just in case, I will keep up the charade that I may still be pregnant.
2WW D17
Symptoms:
- Fatigue
- Nausea
- Prominent veins
- Bloated
- High cervix
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
2WW D15
Okay now I'm past the "two week" part of the "two week wait," but we're just gonna roll with it. My body is unusual, so my titles should reflect that.
When I got up today and went to the bathroom, there was a bit of brown and pink blood on the toilet paper. This is very confusing. I possibly conceived 15, 11, and 3 days ago. I don't think it would be implantation bleeding at this point, and if I had ovulated last week, it couldn't be that or my period. So what is it? There is a chance that a woman can spot for the entire trimester, so I am taking it as a good sign, and keep positive.
I am planning on taking another test the day after tomorrow, depending on how tomorrow goes.
2WW D15
Symptoms:
When I got up today and went to the bathroom, there was a bit of brown and pink blood on the toilet paper. This is very confusing. I possibly conceived 15, 11, and 3 days ago. I don't think it would be implantation bleeding at this point, and if I had ovulated last week, it couldn't be that or my period. So what is it? There is a chance that a woman can spot for the entire trimester, so I am taking it as a good sign, and keep positive.
I am planning on taking another test the day after tomorrow, depending on how tomorrow goes.
2WW D15
Symptoms:
- Brown and pink spotting
- Headaches
- High cervix
- Fatigue
Saturday, November 27, 2010
2WW D12
It has been the longest week in the history of the world, I swear. I was falling asleep at work every single day--oh except the day I got to work late because I had slept in and left the house two hours later than I normally do.
I have been checking my cervix every day, and it seems to me that maybe I have been ovulating, and not implanting or becoming pregnant. I can't be sure, but I took a test this morning and it was negative, so if it has implanted it is just too soon to tell. I ovulate so rarely and irregularly that I don't know how to recognize it if it happens, but after reading everything available online, it seems feasible that my wonderful, adoring body decided to offer up an egg a week after the sperm was looking for it. Way to go, uterus.
After the BFN (Big Fat Negative), I tried to get through the day like it was just a regular Friday, but I didn't do so well. I fought back the urge to cry while I was at work, and wondered if I was really willing to put myself through this for an indefinite period of time.
Once I thought it through, I realized that either A) I'm not far along in pregnancy for it to register on a test, or B) I am ovulating and should take advantage of it. So I texted SD1, and had him come over after work, just in case.
Because I do not know what is happening with my body, I do not know if I am in day 12 of the two week wait, or if I am just starting the two week wait. For now I will stick with 2WW D12, until I know for sure.
All I know is, this baby making business is making me crazy! Six months ago I was hoping to start a relationship with a man I had been in love with for years, with no babies in mind, and now I am answering my door in underwear and a housecoat, ready for a mere acquaintance to knock me up. Strange turn of events, if you ask me.
This morning I was down about as far as I could be. Tonight, I am building up my hope again. This has to work, it just has to.
2WW D12
Symptoms:
I have been checking my cervix every day, and it seems to me that maybe I have been ovulating, and not implanting or becoming pregnant. I can't be sure, but I took a test this morning and it was negative, so if it has implanted it is just too soon to tell. I ovulate so rarely and irregularly that I don't know how to recognize it if it happens, but after reading everything available online, it seems feasible that my wonderful, adoring body decided to offer up an egg a week after the sperm was looking for it. Way to go, uterus.
After the BFN (Big Fat Negative), I tried to get through the day like it was just a regular Friday, but I didn't do so well. I fought back the urge to cry while I was at work, and wondered if I was really willing to put myself through this for an indefinite period of time.
Once I thought it through, I realized that either A) I'm not far along in pregnancy for it to register on a test, or B) I am ovulating and should take advantage of it. So I texted SD1, and had him come over after work, just in case.
Because I do not know what is happening with my body, I do not know if I am in day 12 of the two week wait, or if I am just starting the two week wait. For now I will stick with 2WW D12, until I know for sure.
All I know is, this baby making business is making me crazy! Six months ago I was hoping to start a relationship with a man I had been in love with for years, with no babies in mind, and now I am answering my door in underwear and a housecoat, ready for a mere acquaintance to knock me up. Strange turn of events, if you ask me.
This morning I was down about as far as I could be. Tonight, I am building up my hope again. This has to work, it just has to.
2WW D12
Symptoms:
- Soft, high cervix
- Plenty of cervical mucus
- Severe bloating
- Fatigue
- Negative test
- Headaches
- Dizziness
- Dry mouth/severe thirst
- Post nasal drip/congestion
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
2WW D9
I think I am implanting! I am feeling pretty uncomfortable, have been for the last few hours off and on. It feels like my period is coming, but more uncomfortable than that; not painfully crampy, just achy. It's difficult to sit here, but that makes me happy because it means I may be making a baby!
My cervix is back to feeling the way it did before, so I don't know what that means, but I'm still staying hopeful and positive.
I am exhausted, though. Montana and I slept in this morning, so I called the school and told them she'd be there at recess, and we stayed in bed an extra hour. It helped, I was awake at work, but I fell asleep watching one of my favorite movies an hour ago. I think I need to go to bed earlier.
So at this point, things are looking good, but I won't get my hopes up too high, it's possible that I'm finally ovulating and will get my period in a couple weeks.
2WW D9
Symptoms
My cervix is back to feeling the way it did before, so I don't know what that means, but I'm still staying hopeful and positive.
I am exhausted, though. Montana and I slept in this morning, so I called the school and told them she'd be there at recess, and we stayed in bed an extra hour. It helped, I was awake at work, but I fell asleep watching one of my favorite movies an hour ago. I think I need to go to bed earlier.
So at this point, things are looking good, but I won't get my hopes up too high, it's possible that I'm finally ovulating and will get my period in a couple weeks.
2WW D9
Symptoms
- Crampy
- Exhausted
- Increased mucous
- Headaches
- Tugging, aching feeling at my cervix
2WW D8
It is getting increasingly difficult waiting out this two weeks, which I expected. I'm not stressing, which is surprising to me, I am just curious and hopeful. The more I think about it, the more I want to be pregnant immediately to no longer necessitate seeing SD1. I am worried the more time I spend with him, the more he'll want to keep getting together. If I have conceived, I can cut off contact now, and he can move on.
During the last few days, I have had the occasional spot of pink blood, about the size of a pen point, which isn't out of the ordinary, but has given me hope nonetheless.
I talked to Rose tonight (who is in her 21st week by the way--YAY!!) and told her about it, and she, too, is hopeful for me. After I hung up the phone I went to the bathroom, and there was quite a bit more pink and red blood. I checked my cervix, and it feels different. I have checked my cervix many times over the last two years, when I suspected pregnancy two separate times. I have been checking it on a not-so-regular basis for months now, so that I would know the differences it goes through in a cycle. I have been checking every night since I decided to actively try for pregnancy, and it has basically felt the same each time. Sometimes high, sometimes low, always the same firmness, different stages of mucous. Tonight, the firmness has completely changed; it is notably soft, much like an overripe plum as described by medical professionals. I have never felt this before, so I am taking it as a very good sign!
Just one more week before I can test!
2WW D8
Symptoms
During the last few days, I have had the occasional spot of pink blood, about the size of a pen point, which isn't out of the ordinary, but has given me hope nonetheless.
I talked to Rose tonight (who is in her 21st week by the way--YAY!!) and told her about it, and she, too, is hopeful for me. After I hung up the phone I went to the bathroom, and there was quite a bit more pink and red blood. I checked my cervix, and it feels different. I have checked my cervix many times over the last two years, when I suspected pregnancy two separate times. I have been checking it on a not-so-regular basis for months now, so that I would know the differences it goes through in a cycle. I have been checking every night since I decided to actively try for pregnancy, and it has basically felt the same each time. Sometimes high, sometimes low, always the same firmness, different stages of mucous. Tonight, the firmness has completely changed; it is notably soft, much like an overripe plum as described by medical professionals. I have never felt this before, so I am taking it as a very good sign!
Just one more week before I can test!
2WW D8
Symptoms
- Bloating
- Soft cervix
- Fatigue (due to a busy weekend, but noteworthy nonetheless)
- Slight spotting
Thursday, November 18, 2010
2WW D4
I met with SD1 again tonight, hoping to increase my chances, and had him sign the agreement I typed up. He had no problem signing it, which put me at ease. I feel much better having that now, even if it won't completely protect me in court, it will sure help.
These past few days I have been going through all the emotions possible: Anxious, hopeful, doubtful, excited, scared, sad, happy. Tonight, I feel low and depressed. I found out another friend is pregnant, and it damn near tore my heart out. I've been expecting this one for a while, and am not overly happy about it for various reasons, but mainly I am just taking it way too personally. It feels like the universe is against me. Even though I could very well be creating a baby right now, I'm scared that I'm not and will never be. Yet all around me, pregnancies are spreading like an epidemic.
When I got home tonight, I put Friends on, and Rachel was giving birth. Thanks cable. I left it on though, because I like to torture myself.
My plan now is to wait until the two weeks are up, and then take a test. Either way it ends up I will be making an appointment with my doctor. If it is negative, I would like to either have tests done to see why I'm not getting my period, or go on birth control to kickstart it. That would mean another month of waiting, and although I know it is such a short period of time, but right now each minute is agony.
2WW D4
Symptoms
These past few days I have been going through all the emotions possible: Anxious, hopeful, doubtful, excited, scared, sad, happy. Tonight, I feel low and depressed. I found out another friend is pregnant, and it damn near tore my heart out. I've been expecting this one for a while, and am not overly happy about it for various reasons, but mainly I am just taking it way too personally. It feels like the universe is against me. Even though I could very well be creating a baby right now, I'm scared that I'm not and will never be. Yet all around me, pregnancies are spreading like an epidemic.
When I got home tonight, I put Friends on, and Rachel was giving birth. Thanks cable. I left it on though, because I like to torture myself.
My plan now is to wait until the two weeks are up, and then take a test. Either way it ends up I will be making an appointment with my doctor. If it is negative, I would like to either have tests done to see why I'm not getting my period, or go on birth control to kickstart it. That would mean another month of waiting, and although I know it is such a short period of time, but right now each minute is agony.
2WW D4
Symptoms
- Increased CM
- Light pink spotting
- Bloating
Monday, November 15, 2010
2WW D1
See the title? See it??? Okay, you see it. Do you understand what it means? If you haven't been on TTC (trying to conceive) boards, you likely don't recognize it. So I will enlighten you: 2WW stands for 2 Week Wait, and D1 is obviously Day 1. So I am in the very first day of the 2 week wait, which is the period between attempted conception and the day one can test for pregnancy.
So, if you haven't realized it by now, I attempted conception last night! *wink wink* I won't dwell on the details, suffice it to say that I went for coffee with SD1, saw his test results with my own eyes, and went for gold.
I have no idea if I'm anywhere near ovulation, seeing as it has been 73 days since my period started (aye aye aye!) but I figured trying would only increase my chances rather than hinder them.
What this means is that I may not officially be in the 2WW if I haven't ovulated, but I will be watching for symptoms, and testing in two weeks if my period hasn't shown up.
I feel very weird right now, almost a full feeling, which is unusual. I don't know if it's just the idea of what happened last night, or if my body is reacting, but I will try to stay positive.
So for the next two weeks, and probably beyond if I keep meeting with SD1, I will list any symptoms I have, much like I did in the first blog.
2WW D1
Symptoms:
So, if you haven't realized it by now, I attempted conception last night! *wink wink* I won't dwell on the details, suffice it to say that I went for coffee with SD1, saw his test results with my own eyes, and went for gold.
I have no idea if I'm anywhere near ovulation, seeing as it has been 73 days since my period started (aye aye aye!) but I figured trying would only increase my chances rather than hinder them.
What this means is that I may not officially be in the 2WW if I haven't ovulated, but I will be watching for symptoms, and testing in two weeks if my period hasn't shown up.
I feel very weird right now, almost a full feeling, which is unusual. I don't know if it's just the idea of what happened last night, or if my body is reacting, but I will try to stay positive.
So for the next two weeks, and probably beyond if I keep meeting with SD1, I will list any symptoms I have, much like I did in the first blog.
2WW D1
Symptoms:
- Bloating
- Feeling of fullness in pelvic area
Sunday, November 14, 2010
CD72
Has it been ten days since my last blog? Wow. I have been dealing with quite a bit lately, between the move, and a death in the family, and work, I haven't put much thought into my hunt.
Last night I went to a friend's house for a few drinks, and we talked about Boy Toy. I tried to convince them to call him, but they didn't want a party, so it was just us. I talked to my friend about the desire to become pregnant, and she was very supportive.
I woke up today feeling sad, and signed in to Facebook to see another baby has been born to a school friend I didn't even know was pregnant. It was like a punch in the gut.
So I took a bold step, chatted with SD1 for a while, and now we have a date. I'm going out for coffee with him tonight, and see how it goes. He is bringing his test results, which shows everything but the HIV results which haven't been processed yet, so I will look those over, and go from there.
I'm very nervous!! I doubt I'm ovulating, but I figure a coffee date won't hurt. I thought I was spotting a bit a week or so ago, so it's possible that I could get pregnant, but I won't get my hopes up. Wish me luck! I'll blog again post-date.
Last night I went to a friend's house for a few drinks, and we talked about Boy Toy. I tried to convince them to call him, but they didn't want a party, so it was just us. I talked to my friend about the desire to become pregnant, and she was very supportive.
I woke up today feeling sad, and signed in to Facebook to see another baby has been born to a school friend I didn't even know was pregnant. It was like a punch in the gut.
So I took a bold step, chatted with SD1 for a while, and now we have a date. I'm going out for coffee with him tonight, and see how it goes. He is bringing his test results, which shows everything but the HIV results which haven't been processed yet, so I will look those over, and go from there.
I'm very nervous!! I doubt I'm ovulating, but I figure a coffee date won't hurt. I thought I was spotting a bit a week or so ago, so it's possible that I could get pregnant, but I won't get my hopes up. Wish me luck! I'll blog again post-date.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
CD62
Not much has happened in the last week due to the fact that I've moved and haven't had Internet since, and have been focused more on unpacking than I have on conceiving. I did check my email yesterday at work, though, and noticed I got a message from SD1 to let me know that he got his test results back (excluding HIV) and everything is perfect.
While I was at a party on the weekend, my good friends were talking to me about Boy Toy. Apparently he has been told that I now live on the same street as our mutual friend S, and he is happy about that. I'm not sure why though, seeing as he lives in a different city. S and S are planning on another party this month, however, and I am hoping to see Boy Toy. He is my dream baby daddy.
I unpacked a few boxes yesterday, and came across my keepsake boxes from when Montana was a baby. There were cards congratulating me on my new baby girl, diapers, and booties. I was ready to cry. It is hard to believe that so long ago my daughter was so tiny. I miss it beyond belief.
I'm not sure what to do at this point. I still haven't had my period, so I won't be ovulating yet anyway, so I may wait to see Boy Toy and see how that goes, and then decide what to do about SD1 & 2. Will update when I know more!
While I was at a party on the weekend, my good friends were talking to me about Boy Toy. Apparently he has been told that I now live on the same street as our mutual friend S, and he is happy about that. I'm not sure why though, seeing as he lives in a different city. S and S are planning on another party this month, however, and I am hoping to see Boy Toy. He is my dream baby daddy.
I unpacked a few boxes yesterday, and came across my keepsake boxes from when Montana was a baby. There were cards congratulating me on my new baby girl, diapers, and booties. I was ready to cry. It is hard to believe that so long ago my daughter was so tiny. I miss it beyond belief.
I'm not sure what to do at this point. I still haven't had my period, so I won't be ovulating yet anyway, so I may wait to see Boy Toy and see how that goes, and then decide what to do about SD1 & 2. Will update when I know more!
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
CD54
After my blog last night, SD2 came online and I started a conversation with him, and I'm so glad I did! He explained things a little better for me, and told me what he needs from me and what I can get from him. It was a lot more personable than the original email; it was nice talking to him as a person rather than a client or uterus.
We talked about meeting, about natural vs artificial insemination, and about my parenting. I feel much more comfortable talking with him than I do with SD1, so I'm hoping to get to know him better, and get my ovulation in check! Things are looking good! Very exciting!
We talked about meeting, about natural vs artificial insemination, and about my parenting. I feel much more comfortable talking with him than I do with SD1, so I'm hoping to get to know him better, and get my ovulation in check! Things are looking good! Very exciting!
Monday, October 25, 2010
CD53
After going through all my emails the other night, there is only one person I am still talking to, we'll call him SD1. We have been emailing back and forth for three days, and now I am chatting to him online. He is very gung-ho about the whole idea, obviously for his own selfish needs, and went for some blood tests for me.
He sent me some pictures, and I think we could have a cute baby together, so I am getting to know him. I'm not certain I will choose him, though, because he has the potential to get on my nerves. This doesn't matter in the long run, of course, but I worry he may try to contact me afterward. For this reason he does not know any information aside from general facts. He knows my first name, but nothing else about me except I have a daughter, and I think I told him my age. Now we're talking about our dogs. He can email me all he wants, but when I get pregnant (by him or otherwise) I will delete that account.
A couple days ago I received an email from another guy, we'll call him SD2. I had been looking online at donor sites and there was this one man on a few sites who interested me, but couldn't contact him because I needed to pay money first. Apparently he noticed my interest, and sent me a message. Once I responded, he sent me an outline of how the process works, and told me to contact him if I am interested.
So I do have a couple options so far, but I think I need to see the doctor first to make sure I can conceive, and have any necessary tests taken care of.
For now, I am just going to get to know SD1 and see where that goes.
He sent me some pictures, and I think we could have a cute baby together, so I am getting to know him. I'm not certain I will choose him, though, because he has the potential to get on my nerves. This doesn't matter in the long run, of course, but I worry he may try to contact me afterward. For this reason he does not know any information aside from general facts. He knows my first name, but nothing else about me except I have a daughter, and I think I told him my age. Now we're talking about our dogs. He can email me all he wants, but when I get pregnant (by him or otherwise) I will delete that account.
A couple days ago I received an email from another guy, we'll call him SD2. I had been looking online at donor sites and there was this one man on a few sites who interested me, but couldn't contact him because I needed to pay money first. Apparently he noticed my interest, and sent me a message. Once I responded, he sent me an outline of how the process works, and told me to contact him if I am interested.
So I do have a couple options so far, but I think I need to see the doctor first to make sure I can conceive, and have any necessary tests taken care of.
For now, I am just going to get to know SD1 and see where that goes.
Friday, October 22, 2010
CD49
I did the unthinkable. I can't even say what I did. Suffice it to say, I am becoming more and more desperate with each passing day, and I am taking steps toward creating my own pregnancy, with the help of the Internet. Yes, the Internet.
Most people will think this is crazy, myself included, but so strong is my desire to conceive that I will try almost anything, as long as I am safe.
It's ironic: When I was pregnant with Montana, my best friend at the time wanted a baby, and employed her ex-boyfriend as the donor. I was extremely judgmental, and disagreed with her decision from the get-go. Now I feel like a complete hypocrite, which is a big pet peeve of mine--hypocrisy. I'll be honest though, it was more the idea of her having a child than the conception that bothered me, so I can't say for certain that if I expected her to be a good mother that I would still disagree with her decision. Still, it feels good to get it off my chest: I am a hypocrite. I'm sorry old best friend!
Moving on... I have twelve emails in my account now, not including ones I read and deleted, with offers to help me get pregnant. Shady? Perhaps, but I will be careful, of that you can be sure.
Montana's ninth birthday is fast approaching, and when she was born I thought for sure I'd have at least one or two more by her ninth birthday. It is hitting me hard, and added to the depression I already experience because of my empty uterus is too much to bear.
I will update with my email escapades!
Most people will think this is crazy, myself included, but so strong is my desire to conceive that I will try almost anything, as long as I am safe.
It's ironic: When I was pregnant with Montana, my best friend at the time wanted a baby, and employed her ex-boyfriend as the donor. I was extremely judgmental, and disagreed with her decision from the get-go. Now I feel like a complete hypocrite, which is a big pet peeve of mine--hypocrisy. I'll be honest though, it was more the idea of her having a child than the conception that bothered me, so I can't say for certain that if I expected her to be a good mother that I would still disagree with her decision. Still, it feels good to get it off my chest: I am a hypocrite. I'm sorry old best friend!
Moving on... I have twelve emails in my account now, not including ones I read and deleted, with offers to help me get pregnant. Shady? Perhaps, but I will be careful, of that you can be sure.
Montana's ninth birthday is fast approaching, and when she was born I thought for sure I'd have at least one or two more by her ninth birthday. It is hitting me hard, and added to the depression I already experience because of my empty uterus is too much to bear.
I will update with my email escapades!
Sunday, October 17, 2010
CD44
It has been almost three weeks since I last blogged here, so I thought I would do a little update. As you can tell from my title, I have not gotten my period this month, so I probably need more birth control pills to get it going again.
This incessant need for pregnancy is only increasing, and it is spilling into my subconscious, taking over my only secure time: Sleep. Every waking minute is filled with the desperation I feel for becoming pregnant, and now I am dreaming about it. This morning I had a dream about packing up my clothes (we are moving soon) and deciding to separate my summer and winter clothes. This reminded me of when I used to do that years ago; I had a walk in closet, so I kept my seasonal clothes packed away, and did this with Montana's clothes as well. She was a baby at the time. This led to uncontrollable sobbing in my dream, which caused such sadness I awoke.
Yesterday I went to a birthday party for two kids: One turning 9, one turning 2. I met their mother in prenatal class, and we are still friends nine years later. She is now expecting number three, and she had friends at the party who are also pregnant, and a couple friends who have babies or toddlers. I started tearing up when she talked about her pregnancy, but I bit my tongue to keep the tears from falling, and pasted a smile on my face. I am happy for her, and I didn't want my selfish need to cloud that.
During the last week I spoke with Rose, who is 15 weeks into her pregnancy; found out a high school friend had her baby; held my friend's six-week-old infant; and found out a friend of the family had her 4D ultrasound and was told she will be having a girl. It is too much for me, I cannot keep faking happiness for everyone else. Well, that's not entirely true--I AM extremely happy for all of them. However, I am more sad for myself, which is causing conflict in my heart.
After yesterday, I decided to look online for sperm donors. I know this isn't ideal, especially in my financial situation, but looking can't hurt, right? I actually found some websites that offer free donation, kind of like dating sites but rather than search for a soulmate, one can search for sperm, eggs, or surrogacy (what a world we live in!) I don't know how legitimate these sites are, but it is worth looking into, at least for me.
So this is where I am these days. Still an emotional wreck, but looking into alternative ways to achieve my most desired goal: A brand new baby in my womb.
This incessant need for pregnancy is only increasing, and it is spilling into my subconscious, taking over my only secure time: Sleep. Every waking minute is filled with the desperation I feel for becoming pregnant, and now I am dreaming about it. This morning I had a dream about packing up my clothes (we are moving soon) and deciding to separate my summer and winter clothes. This reminded me of when I used to do that years ago; I had a walk in closet, so I kept my seasonal clothes packed away, and did this with Montana's clothes as well. She was a baby at the time. This led to uncontrollable sobbing in my dream, which caused such sadness I awoke.
Yesterday I went to a birthday party for two kids: One turning 9, one turning 2. I met their mother in prenatal class, and we are still friends nine years later. She is now expecting number three, and she had friends at the party who are also pregnant, and a couple friends who have babies or toddlers. I started tearing up when she talked about her pregnancy, but I bit my tongue to keep the tears from falling, and pasted a smile on my face. I am happy for her, and I didn't want my selfish need to cloud that.
During the last week I spoke with Rose, who is 15 weeks into her pregnancy; found out a high school friend had her baby; held my friend's six-week-old infant; and found out a friend of the family had her 4D ultrasound and was told she will be having a girl. It is too much for me, I cannot keep faking happiness for everyone else. Well, that's not entirely true--I AM extremely happy for all of them. However, I am more sad for myself, which is causing conflict in my heart.
After yesterday, I decided to look online for sperm donors. I know this isn't ideal, especially in my financial situation, but looking can't hurt, right? I actually found some websites that offer free donation, kind of like dating sites but rather than search for a soulmate, one can search for sperm, eggs, or surrogacy (what a world we live in!) I don't know how legitimate these sites are, but it is worth looking into, at least for me.
So this is where I am these days. Still an emotional wreck, but looking into alternative ways to achieve my most desired goal: A brand new baby in my womb.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
CD24--Luteal Phase
I am just a few days away from my next period, if it comes, and I am no more pregnant than I was a month ago. Not only am I not pregnant, but I think I am putting the hunt on hold for a while.
The guy I blogged about in my last entry decided not to speak with me again. He was very interested, on Thursday, but come Friday he was neglectful. I am tired of the constant rejection, and I am just plain tired. I feel like all the hope and optimism I was allotted for this lifetime has run out, and there are no free refills.
More than ever, I want a baby. I spoke with Rose, and told her the miracle of breastfeeding to try and veer her away from her closed minded fear of it, and it just made my heart sink into my empty uterus. It is the most awful feeling, this feeling of wanting.
I am not putting motherhood on a shelf, I am just taking a break from the act of hunting. I will blog again when I am feeling a bit better.
Thanks for reading.
The guy I blogged about in my last entry decided not to speak with me again. He was very interested, on Thursday, but come Friday he was neglectful. I am tired of the constant rejection, and I am just plain tired. I feel like all the hope and optimism I was allotted for this lifetime has run out, and there are no free refills.
More than ever, I want a baby. I spoke with Rose, and told her the miracle of breastfeeding to try and veer her away from her closed minded fear of it, and it just made my heart sink into my empty uterus. It is the most awful feeling, this feeling of wanting.
I am not putting motherhood on a shelf, I am just taking a break from the act of hunting. I will blog again when I am feeling a bit better.
Thanks for reading.
Friday, September 24, 2010
CD21--Luteal Phase
Okay it has been two weeks since I blogged apparently. I haven't had much to update about, life has been the same: Work, take care of kids and pets, party, not be pregnant. My period is due again in a week, and I don't know if I am still ovulating.
I have been going on dating sites without much luck, but tonight something interesting happened: I got a message from a cute guy in my town, and on the side of the page there was an advertisement (we will ignore what it may or may not have been advertising) that showed sperm trying to join an egg. I don't know if this is a sign or not, but it did put a smile on my face!
An hour later, I am chatting with this guy, and he is ready to sex right now! He has seen three pictures of me and is telling me we should get naked. Normally, I would shoo him away, but because of my project, I think I will play along for a while.
This has been a rough week or two (or ten) so I have to try new things! Wish me luck, I would love to try this new thing--wink wink!
I have been going on dating sites without much luck, but tonight something interesting happened: I got a message from a cute guy in my town, and on the side of the page there was an advertisement (we will ignore what it may or may not have been advertising) that showed sperm trying to join an egg. I don't know if this is a sign or not, but it did put a smile on my face!
An hour later, I am chatting with this guy, and he is ready to sex right now! He has seen three pictures of me and is telling me we should get naked. Normally, I would shoo him away, but because of my project, I think I will play along for a while.
This has been a rough week or two (or ten) so I have to try new things! Wish me luck, I would love to try this new thing--wink wink!
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
CD3--FP
Usually when I get my period I get cramps the same day. I expected cramps yesterday, or the day before even, but they came today. Three months worth. With a vengeance.
I woke up sometime this morning to go pee, and because I had the day off, I went back to bed. It took me a while to fall asleep, and as I finally started dozing, the pain struck. Not only did I have paralyzing cramping, but I became very nauseous. I had Montana get me a bucket, but by some miracle I didn't actually throw up. My mom also had her bring me Advil and water, but I couldn't move for an hour to actually take it. When I finally leaned over to swallow the pills, my cat jumped onto the bed which jammed the glass of water into my teeth. Thanks Bear, I wanted more pain.
The last time I had a period this bad was when I was pregnant. I conceived the weekend before, so I still got one last period, and it was so painful it woke me up.
I didn't crawl out of bed until 4:00 p.m., and the rest of the day was very uneventful because I still wasn't completely well. It is now midnight and the cramps are coming back, so it is Advil and bed for this girl!
I woke up sometime this morning to go pee, and because I had the day off, I went back to bed. It took me a while to fall asleep, and as I finally started dozing, the pain struck. Not only did I have paralyzing cramping, but I became very nauseous. I had Montana get me a bucket, but by some miracle I didn't actually throw up. My mom also had her bring me Advil and water, but I couldn't move for an hour to actually take it. When I finally leaned over to swallow the pills, my cat jumped onto the bed which jammed the glass of water into my teeth. Thanks Bear, I wanted more pain.
The last time I had a period this bad was when I was pregnant. I conceived the weekend before, so I still got one last period, and it was so painful it woke me up.
I didn't crawl out of bed until 4:00 p.m., and the rest of the day was very uneventful because I still wasn't completely well. It is now midnight and the cramps are coming back, so it is Advil and bed for this girl!
Monday, September 6, 2010
CD2--Follicular phase
I got my period yesterday! Finally! Three months and some change since the beginning of my last period. Now I can properly track my ovulation and hopefully plan fertilization!
Today I am actually on the second day of my cycle, but I could not post yesterday, so I am on CD2 (Cycle Day 2) of the follicular phase. I should be able to conceive two weeks from now.
Even after everything I have been through this summer, I still feel paranoid that I may have hurt a baby by bringing on my period with medication. I know there is/was no baby, but the thought is in the back of my mind. Once this week is finished, I can focus on the future. Let's hope for the best!
Today I am actually on the second day of my cycle, but I could not post yesterday, so I am on CD2 (Cycle Day 2) of the follicular phase. I should be able to conceive two weeks from now.
Even after everything I have been through this summer, I still feel paranoid that I may have hurt a baby by bringing on my period with medication. I know there is/was no baby, but the thought is in the back of my mind. Once this week is finished, I can focus on the future. Let's hope for the best!
Thursday, September 2, 2010
New titles to come?
Today I took the last pill in my birth control pack, which means my period should come tomorrow, or the next day. We shall see. Once that happens I will be using my cycle to label each blog so I can keep track of it.
My horoscope today was [not quote] "The goal you have set will require some sacrifices." [un-not quote] So I said to my mom, "Oh, so I will have to give up drinking while I'm pregnant?!" My mom said I need to make sure we have everything paid before I do that. Well, yes, of course, I wasn't suggesting I take food out of my existing child's mouth to prepare for a hypothetical baby!
I had another dream about Boy Toy. This one didn't work out in my favor; he married his girlfriend, who happened to be pregnant. Ouch. I'm not sure which is worse out of the two dreams, but I wish he would quit haunting them! I don't have feelings for him, but I think sometimes I view him as a potential babydaddy (maybe the only one) and that has penetrated my subconscious.
Nearly a month after creating this blog, I am no further than I was. My period, if it comes, will be three months late, and I have been all over the place since I last had it. It's okay though, I can now track ovulation and hope for the best!
My horoscope today was [not quote] "The goal you have set will require some sacrifices." [un-not quote] So I said to my mom, "Oh, so I will have to give up drinking while I'm pregnant?!" My mom said I need to make sure we have everything paid before I do that. Well, yes, of course, I wasn't suggesting I take food out of my existing child's mouth to prepare for a hypothetical baby!
I had another dream about Boy Toy. This one didn't work out in my favor; he married his girlfriend, who happened to be pregnant. Ouch. I'm not sure which is worse out of the two dreams, but I wish he would quit haunting them! I don't have feelings for him, but I think sometimes I view him as a potential babydaddy (maybe the only one) and that has penetrated my subconscious.
Nearly a month after creating this blog, I am no further than I was. My period, if it comes, will be three months late, and I have been all over the place since I last had it. It's okay though, I can now track ovulation and hope for the best!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
I had a dream
The other night I had this wonderful dream which left me heartbroken when I woke up: Boy Toy came up to me and asked if I was going to have a boy or a girl, and I didn't understand what he meant. He told me he'd heard that I was looking to have a baby, and he wanted to help! I was beyond thrilled! If only my good dreams came true, instead of the bad ones.
I talked to Rose tonight! I haven't had a chance to talk to her in a while, so it was nice. She is eight weeks along now, I can't believe it. I am so excited for her.
She wants me to be pregnant with her, which I had joked about when she first talked about conceiving, but I am starting to believe that won't happen, and it's making me feel very empty inside.
I am on the third week of birth control, and my period is showing signs of coming. It has been almost three months. I'm hoping next month I will ovulate, just in case the opportunity should coming knocking (me up).
I have to constantly remind myself this may never happen because sometimes I get so overwhelmed with wanting and it's breaking my heart.
I talked to Rose tonight! I haven't had a chance to talk to her in a while, so it was nice. She is eight weeks along now, I can't believe it. I am so excited for her.
She wants me to be pregnant with her, which I had joked about when she first talked about conceiving, but I am starting to believe that won't happen, and it's making me feel very empty inside.
I am on the third week of birth control, and my period is showing signs of coming. It has been almost three months. I'm hoping next month I will ovulate, just in case the opportunity should coming knocking (me up).
I have to constantly remind myself this may never happen because sometimes I get so overwhelmed with wanting and it's breaking my heart.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
One Week Later..
It has been one week since I saw my doctor and had blood drawn. I called today to see if they had the results, and the receptionist (bitchy is back) told me everything was "good." So as far as I can gather, my thyroid is behaving as it should, I am not in peri-menopause, and basically everything inside me is business as usual. Or, at least, that's what it's showing via my blood.
I still have not gotten my period, which could be due to the birth control pills, there is no way to tell at this point. However, if it is because of the pill, I should be getting my period in two weeks.
I joined a couple dating sites, and so far: No luck. I am having fun chatting with strangers, I'll admit, but it seems that when guys see my picture they lose interest. It is a little discouraging. Luckily, though, I'm not investing my heart this time, so rejection is a slightly smaller pill to swallow than it was in the past.
So not much has changed in the last week, on with the hunt!
I still have not gotten my period, which could be due to the birth control pills, there is no way to tell at this point. However, if it is because of the pill, I should be getting my period in two weeks.
I joined a couple dating sites, and so far: No luck. I am having fun chatting with strangers, I'll admit, but it seems that when guys see my picture they lose interest. It is a little discouraging. Luckily, though, I'm not investing my heart this time, so rejection is a slightly smaller pill to swallow than it was in the past.
So not much has changed in the last week, on with the hunt!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
The First Day of the Rest of My Life
Today has been.. hmm. Depressing? Disappointing? Hopeful? There aren't enough words to describe it.
I went to the doctor, and I am indeed, not pregnant. At least, as far as her urine test showed. I was not the slightest bit surprised, but I was still sad and disappointed. I explained my situation to her, from the difference in my depression to my plan to get pregnant, and she advised I go on birth control to ease my mind and body. She sent me down the hall to get blood drawn--three vials from my hand thank you very much--and she should have the results in 2-3 business days at most. I asked her to check my thyroid and progesterone, but she thinks the latter won't help me much in knowing my fertility. She did, however, have me tested for menopausal symptoms, which is a bit unnerving. She has patients that are in peri-menopause at ages 32 and 36, so she wants to be sure I'm not heading that way. I'm sure it will show I am not anywhere near that, but if I were, I'd be in a bigger rush to conceive.
I think Dr. J. needs to check my chart again; she also advised that it is a bit harder to raise children at an older age. I just turned 28, I think I can handle it just as well, if not better, than at 19. I fully expect all the emotions that come with child rearing; frustration, exhaustion, loneliness, joy, love, happiness. I am ready for all of that. The difference this time around, though, is that I have a fantastic daughter who is more than willing to help out, and will make it all that much more enjoyable.
After my appointment, I went downstairs to the pharmacy to see my favorite pharmacist, Min, who knows me by name. He hooked me up with my much needed antidepressants, and also a month of birth control pills. He said I could take them immediately because I don't know when my period will come. So I did, as soon as I got in the car.
When I got to work, I was spotting. How is that for timing? Ah, Mother Nature has such a twisted sense of humor.
SO. Now I am officially on the hunt. Where do I begin? Dating websites? The bar? Hooker Alley? Okay so I am kidding about that last one. I am at a loss right now. Luckily I have a few weeks for the pill to regulate me and then I can pinpoint ovulation. I will create a profile tonight on a dating site, just to have it out there, and see what comes of that.
Today was a very emotional day, but I now know for sure that I am not pregnant, and can plan on becoming so. Once my period comes, my blog titles will be based on where I am in my cycle, and then (God willing) where I am in pregnancy. Wish me luck!
I went to the doctor, and I am indeed, not pregnant. At least, as far as her urine test showed. I was not the slightest bit surprised, but I was still sad and disappointed. I explained my situation to her, from the difference in my depression to my plan to get pregnant, and she advised I go on birth control to ease my mind and body. She sent me down the hall to get blood drawn--three vials from my hand thank you very much--and she should have the results in 2-3 business days at most. I asked her to check my thyroid and progesterone, but she thinks the latter won't help me much in knowing my fertility. She did, however, have me tested for menopausal symptoms, which is a bit unnerving. She has patients that are in peri-menopause at ages 32 and 36, so she wants to be sure I'm not heading that way. I'm sure it will show I am not anywhere near that, but if I were, I'd be in a bigger rush to conceive.
I think Dr. J. needs to check my chart again; she also advised that it is a bit harder to raise children at an older age. I just turned 28, I think I can handle it just as well, if not better, than at 19. I fully expect all the emotions that come with child rearing; frustration, exhaustion, loneliness, joy, love, happiness. I am ready for all of that. The difference this time around, though, is that I have a fantastic daughter who is more than willing to help out, and will make it all that much more enjoyable.
After my appointment, I went downstairs to the pharmacy to see my favorite pharmacist, Min, who knows me by name. He hooked me up with my much needed antidepressants, and also a month of birth control pills. He said I could take them immediately because I don't know when my period will come. So I did, as soon as I got in the car.
When I got to work, I was spotting. How is that for timing? Ah, Mother Nature has such a twisted sense of humor.
SO. Now I am officially on the hunt. Where do I begin? Dating websites? The bar? Hooker Alley? Okay so I am kidding about that last one. I am at a loss right now. Luckily I have a few weeks for the pill to regulate me and then I can pinpoint ovulation. I will create a profile tonight on a dating site, just to have it out there, and see what comes of that.
Today was a very emotional day, but I now know for sure that I am not pregnant, and can plan on becoming so. Once my period comes, my blog titles will be based on where I am in my cycle, and then (God willing) where I am in pregnancy. Wish me luck!
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
The Waiting Game
I called Dr. J.'s office this morning, and the receptionist (someone different than the regular bitchy one--dare I get my hopes up that she is gone?) told me Dr. J. was booked up but if there was a cancellation she would call me. She finally called me back at 4:30 and told me I have an appointment tomorrow morning at 9:15. I'm so nervous!
I have discovered a new symptom, which could indicate an upcoming period, but is also a hint of pregnancy: Chadwick's Sign. It is a personal change, so I won't go into details, but lets just say my color has changed a bit. I assume it is for my period, but nothing else in that region is pointing that way; my discharge has not changed, and my cervix is still high.
I've also noticed veins popping up where I've never seen before, which is a good sign.
Most of that is moot though, because I am certain the doctor will confirm the negative results. This is why I am so nervous. I don't know if I am stable enough for her to make it official, even though I expect it.
Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life! I will discuss options with Dr. J., and tell her what I want to happen in the next few months. It's scary and exciting. Wish me luck!
I have discovered a new symptom, which could indicate an upcoming period, but is also a hint of pregnancy: Chadwick's Sign. It is a personal change, so I won't go into details, but lets just say my color has changed a bit. I assume it is for my period, but nothing else in that region is pointing that way; my discharge has not changed, and my cervix is still high.
I've also noticed veins popping up where I've never seen before, which is a good sign.
Most of that is moot though, because I am certain the doctor will confirm the negative results. This is why I am so nervous. I don't know if I am stable enough for her to make it official, even though I expect it.
Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life! I will discuss options with Dr. J., and tell her what I want to happen in the next few months. It's scary and exciting. Wish me luck!
Monday, August 9, 2010
Peekaboo!
New symptom. I noticed this last week, but thought my eyes were funny. I have two teensy weensy brown circular spots on my legs, much like birthmarks. I do have one tiny birthmark on my leg, but that's it. Now I have these two spots out of nowhere. So I thought, maybe just scars or my eyes are playing tricks. Today I noticed some discoloration on my arm. It is very strange to suddenly have new "birth" marks. My cheek seemed to darken a couple weeks ago, too, but I blamed the sun, which more than likely is the cause. One spot or patch of dark skin would be explainable, but all over my body, well that just makes me feel crazier.
Also, I've read several times that excess saliva is a symptom, which I don't remember with my pregnancy. Reading this is discouraging because I have been the opposite, but then I read tonight that it can go either way. I feel like I have no spit whatsoever, and need to drink steady to sate it. This can also be a symptom of Diabetes, which I have been tested for in the past, and because I have low blood sugar it may be related, so this is something I want checked out.
I called the doctor's office today, but got a message saying the office is closed until tomorrow. Bummer. I have my doubts I will be able to get in to see Dr. J. tomorrow, but we'll see.
I had a dream this morning that I got my period, and it was so vivid and realistic that it woke me up, so I went to the bathroom, but, it was just a dream. No period yet.
After I put Montana to bed I signed into Facebook, and the first thing I see is my friend's sonogram. I knew she had an ultrasound tonight, but it's like cold water down my shirt. She is ten weeks pregnant, which is just a bit further than I would be, if this were a real (as opposed to in my head) pregnancy. It hurt. What could I do? I commented and congratulated. But inside, I want to die.
****Two hours later: I just noticed two more spots on my other arm. One is in almost the exact same spot as the arm in the picture. Freaky.****
Also, I've read several times that excess saliva is a symptom, which I don't remember with my pregnancy. Reading this is discouraging because I have been the opposite, but then I read tonight that it can go either way. I feel like I have no spit whatsoever, and need to drink steady to sate it. This can also be a symptom of Diabetes, which I have been tested for in the past, and because I have low blood sugar it may be related, so this is something I want checked out.
I called the doctor's office today, but got a message saying the office is closed until tomorrow. Bummer. I have my doubts I will be able to get in to see Dr. J. tomorrow, but we'll see.
I had a dream this morning that I got my period, and it was so vivid and realistic that it woke me up, so I went to the bathroom, but, it was just a dream. No period yet.
After I put Montana to bed I signed into Facebook, and the first thing I see is my friend's sonogram. I knew she had an ultrasound tonight, but it's like cold water down my shirt. She is ten weeks pregnant, which is just a bit further than I would be, if this were a real (as opposed to in my head) pregnancy. It hurt. What could I do? I commented and congratulated. But inside, I want to die.
****Two hours later: I just noticed two more spots on my other arm. One is in almost the exact same spot as the arm in the picture. Freaky.****
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Nine Weeks Along
IF I were pregnant right now, I would be nine weeks. Here's the story:
Beginning of June, I got my period. It was a normal one; spotting for the first few days, and then heavy on the flow for the next 5 days. My periods for the past year have been this way, due to being on the pill during my last relationship. My cycles have always been irregular, with the exception of the months following my 18th birthday up until I got pregnant (six months later) and this past year. I have been getting my period every month, and always get the spotting for a few days, sometimes a week, before my actual period comes, which is pretty aggravating, because I feel like I have it for 10-12 days. And then my next one will come probably a month after it ends, rather than a month after it starts. That has been my cycle for the past year and a bit.
June 12th I went to a party at my friend's house, and hooked up (is that what the kids call it these days?) with a very sexy friend of hers. We did use protection, don't worry! Chances of conceiving that morning (it actually occurred around 5:00 AM on the 13th) are fatter than I am.
A couple years ago I had a similar experience, I had a friends-with-benefits type vacation, and thought I was pregnant. I went to the doctor, asked for a blood test, and it came back negative as expected. Not only was I told I had an empty uterus, but I was also told that it may remain that way as I had low levels of progesterone and that could make it difficult or impossible to conceive in the future. I was devastated. My doctor did tell me, however, that my levels may increase with the help of birth control pills. I didn't see the need for them at the time, so I went through a very rough depression, thought about my life, and decided that with Montana being half grown, being financially unstable, and being single, I should let go of my wish for another child. It worked.
A couple weeks ago I realized I hadn't had a period in almost two months, and my body seemed a bit "off." My symptoms over the past month have been:
Once I started to notice these changes, I became paranoid. After a few days of worrying, I started to think this might not be such a bad thing! In fact, I really do want to be pregnant! Wait, what? How did that happen? Where is my sensibility? Apparently I have been fooling myself all these years, and deep down I still wanted a baby. Well, this realization hit me like a ton of bricks, and I am still dealing with the bruises.
As of today, I have gotten more than one negative result on a home pregnancy test, which didn't really surprise me, but left me rather confused.
If I had gotten a positive result, I would be nine weeks, almost ten. My symptoms match the timeline. I have to assume that either my paranoia has caused some of these symptoms, or my period is just building up and getting ready to assault me.
Either way, my hormones are wreaking havoc on my poor body. I feel as though my antidepressants aren't doing their jobs anymore, I am so irrational and unstable.
For the past two weeks, my thoughts have not strayed from pregnancy. Even if I wanted to stop, it is literally everywhere! It seems everyone I know on Facebook is pregnant, my best friend Rose is pregnant (announced 48 hours ago), all the movies and TV shows are talking about it, everyone on my mommy message board is pregnant. It's enough to drive this girl crazy!
So, what now? Well I will call Dr. J. tomorrow and try to get an appointment for the next day, and discuss everything with her. I will ask for a new diagnosis on my depression (I suspect bi polar depression), I will ask for blood tests to rule out pregnancy, and check my progesterone levels to see if I can get pregnant. If my levels are low again, I will go on the pill to regulate my cycles, and take the time to decide what my next move is.
What I DO know is that I want to conceive, and the sooner the better; I don't want a large age gap between children. This may change my plans, but I can adapt to make everything work. I have a great support system, and a wonderful daughter who would pay for a baby sister or brother.
So this is my newest quest: Find a baby daddy. Should be fun!
Beginning of June, I got my period. It was a normal one; spotting for the first few days, and then heavy on the flow for the next 5 days. My periods for the past year have been this way, due to being on the pill during my last relationship. My cycles have always been irregular, with the exception of the months following my 18th birthday up until I got pregnant (six months later) and this past year. I have been getting my period every month, and always get the spotting for a few days, sometimes a week, before my actual period comes, which is pretty aggravating, because I feel like I have it for 10-12 days. And then my next one will come probably a month after it ends, rather than a month after it starts. That has been my cycle for the past year and a bit.
June 12th I went to a party at my friend's house, and hooked up (is that what the kids call it these days?) with a very sexy friend of hers. We did use protection, don't worry! Chances of conceiving that morning (it actually occurred around 5:00 AM on the 13th) are fatter than I am.
A couple years ago I had a similar experience, I had a friends-with-benefits type vacation, and thought I was pregnant. I went to the doctor, asked for a blood test, and it came back negative as expected. Not only was I told I had an empty uterus, but I was also told that it may remain that way as I had low levels of progesterone and that could make it difficult or impossible to conceive in the future. I was devastated. My doctor did tell me, however, that my levels may increase with the help of birth control pills. I didn't see the need for them at the time, so I went through a very rough depression, thought about my life, and decided that with Montana being half grown, being financially unstable, and being single, I should let go of my wish for another child. It worked.
A couple weeks ago I realized I hadn't had a period in almost two months, and my body seemed a bit "off." My symptoms over the past month have been:
- No period. This alone isn't a red flag because of my history in irregularity.
- Cramping. For about a week I had cramping off and on, not very bad like with my periods, just kind of annoying.
- Backache. My lower back has also been annoying, but not unbearable.
- High cervix. Again, this isn't real helpful as I don't check it normally, but if my period is coming soon, it should be low, and hasn't been at all in the past two weeks.
- Increased discharge. Sometimes I have more before my period, but it's only for maybe 2-3 days at the most, and it has now been 2-3 weeks. Also, before my period, I get spotting with the discharge, and this has not been present.
- Bloating. Crazy bloating. I do bloat once in a while before my period (usually during it actually) but only once in a while.
- Breast changes. My areolae are much bigger than usual. This is not normal for me. They aren't too much darker, but they are almost half the size of my breasts, are showing their little Montgomery's Tubercles, and are very veiny--almost to the point of popping through my skin. The nipples are tingling this week, it feels like I'm ready to breastfeed (I remember the feeling well). The breasts themselves are not sore or sensitive, but they never are with my period, and weren't with my pregnancy until the second trimester, and even then it didn't last long.
- Pressure. It feels like my cervix is going to burst and start flooding.
- Headaches. For about a month I had one continuous headache. I get headaches a lot, but this was steady. It seems to have gone away now, thank goodness.
- Emotional. Mood swings, crying jags, all that. This is also out of character for me. I don't remember it even happening in my pregnancy. I hate it, I have no control over my emotions, and I cry almost every day for one reason or another.
- Dizziness. A couple weeks ago at work I was dizzy for the better part of two hours. Since then it comes and goes.
- Nausea. I have not thrown up at all, but I have been close enough to visit the washroom.
Once I started to notice these changes, I became paranoid. After a few days of worrying, I started to think this might not be such a bad thing! In fact, I really do want to be pregnant! Wait, what? How did that happen? Where is my sensibility? Apparently I have been fooling myself all these years, and deep down I still wanted a baby. Well, this realization hit me like a ton of bricks, and I am still dealing with the bruises.
As of today, I have gotten more than one negative result on a home pregnancy test, which didn't really surprise me, but left me rather confused.
If I had gotten a positive result, I would be nine weeks, almost ten. My symptoms match the timeline. I have to assume that either my paranoia has caused some of these symptoms, or my period is just building up and getting ready to assault me.
Either way, my hormones are wreaking havoc on my poor body. I feel as though my antidepressants aren't doing their jobs anymore, I am so irrational and unstable.
For the past two weeks, my thoughts have not strayed from pregnancy. Even if I wanted to stop, it is literally everywhere! It seems everyone I know on Facebook is pregnant, my best friend Rose is pregnant (announced 48 hours ago), all the movies and TV shows are talking about it, everyone on my mommy message board is pregnant. It's enough to drive this girl crazy!
So, what now? Well I will call Dr. J. tomorrow and try to get an appointment for the next day, and discuss everything with her. I will ask for a new diagnosis on my depression (I suspect bi polar depression), I will ask for blood tests to rule out pregnancy, and check my progesterone levels to see if I can get pregnant. If my levels are low again, I will go on the pill to regulate my cycles, and take the time to decide what my next move is.
What I DO know is that I want to conceive, and the sooner the better; I don't want a large age gap between children. This may change my plans, but I can adapt to make everything work. I have a great support system, and a wonderful daughter who would pay for a baby sister or brother.
So this is my newest quest: Find a baby daddy. Should be fun!
Birth of a blog
Hello, reader! This will be a short introduction, because I can explain most of my reasons and details in future blogs.
I am a single mother to Montana*, who is soon turning nine, and I live with my mother who is also raising a child alone: My brother Tristan* who will be turning eleven the same day as Montana turns nine. I have 3 pets: Pom Pom*, my dog, and cats Bear* and Kitteh*. I work part time in a wonderful office, and leave in time to pick the kids up from school. I am thinking of going back to school, and will know more in a couple months. My life is full, I have fantastic friends, and for the most part I am happy with the general. I deal with depression, though, which takes away from the every day, and is adding to my already emotional state. That's me, in print!
So, here is what this blog will entail:
**I do not use real names in my blogs, so you will know me as Mamakee, my daughter is Montana, my brother is Tristan, and any other people I talk about will be given appropriate names.
I am a single mother to Montana*, who is soon turning nine, and I live with my mother who is also raising a child alone: My brother Tristan* who will be turning eleven the same day as Montana turns nine. I have 3 pets: Pom Pom*, my dog, and cats Bear* and Kitteh*. I work part time in a wonderful office, and leave in time to pick the kids up from school. I am thinking of going back to school, and will know more in a couple months. My life is full, I have fantastic friends, and for the most part I am happy with the general. I deal with depression, though, which takes away from the every day, and is adding to my already emotional state. That's me, in print!
So, here is what this blog will entail:
- My current and future womanly issues
- My increasingly heightening baby fever
- My doctor appointments
- My results on the dating front
- My emotional ups and downs
- Anything else I dam well want to include!
**I do not use real names in my blogs, so you will know me as Mamakee, my daughter is Montana, my brother is Tristan, and any other people I talk about will be given appropriate names.
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