Beginning of June, I got my period. It was a normal one; spotting for the first few days, and then heavy on the flow for the next 5 days. My periods for the past year have been this way, due to being on the pill during my last relationship. My cycles have always been irregular, with the exception of the months following my 18th birthday up until I got pregnant (six months later) and this past year. I have been getting my period every month, and always get the spotting for a few days, sometimes a week, before my actual period comes, which is pretty aggravating, because I feel like I have it for 10-12 days. And then my next one will come probably a month after it ends, rather than a month after it starts. That has been my cycle for the past year and a bit.
June 12th I went to a party at my friend's house, and hooked up (is that what the kids call it these days?) with a very sexy friend of hers. We did use protection, don't worry! Chances of conceiving that morning (it actually occurred around 5:00 AM on the 13th) are fatter than I am.
A couple years ago I had a similar experience, I had a friends-with-benefits type vacation, and thought I was pregnant. I went to the doctor, asked for a blood test, and it came back negative as expected. Not only was I told I had an empty uterus, but I was also told that it may remain that way as I had low levels of progesterone and that could make it difficult or impossible to conceive in the future. I was devastated. My doctor did tell me, however, that my levels may increase with the help of birth control pills. I didn't see the need for them at the time, so I went through a very rough depression, thought about my life, and decided that with Montana being half grown, being financially unstable, and being single, I should let go of my wish for another child. It worked.
A couple weeks ago I realized I hadn't had a period in almost two months, and my body seemed a bit "off." My symptoms over the past month have been:
- No period. This alone isn't a red flag because of my history in irregularity.
- Cramping. For about a week I had cramping off and on, not very bad like with my periods, just kind of annoying.
- Backache. My lower back has also been annoying, but not unbearable.
- High cervix. Again, this isn't real helpful as I don't check it normally, but if my period is coming soon, it should be low, and hasn't been at all in the past two weeks.
- Increased discharge. Sometimes I have more before my period, but it's only for maybe 2-3 days at the most, and it has now been 2-3 weeks. Also, before my period, I get spotting with the discharge, and this has not been present.
- Bloating. Crazy bloating. I do bloat once in a while before my period (usually during it actually) but only once in a while.
- Breast changes. My areolae are much bigger than usual. This is not normal for me. They aren't too much darker, but they are almost half the size of my breasts, are showing their little Montgomery's Tubercles, and are very veiny--almost to the point of popping through my skin. The nipples are tingling this week, it feels like I'm ready to breastfeed (I remember the feeling well). The breasts themselves are not sore or sensitive, but they never are with my period, and weren't with my pregnancy until the second trimester, and even then it didn't last long.
- Pressure. It feels like my cervix is going to burst and start flooding.
- Headaches. For about a month I had one continuous headache. I get headaches a lot, but this was steady. It seems to have gone away now, thank goodness.
- Emotional. Mood swings, crying jags, all that. This is also out of character for me. I don't remember it even happening in my pregnancy. I hate it, I have no control over my emotions, and I cry almost every day for one reason or another.
- Dizziness. A couple weeks ago at work I was dizzy for the better part of two hours. Since then it comes and goes.
- Nausea. I have not thrown up at all, but I have been close enough to visit the washroom.
Once I started to notice these changes, I became paranoid. After a few days of worrying, I started to think this might not be such a bad thing! In fact, I really do want to be pregnant! Wait, what? How did that happen? Where is my sensibility? Apparently I have been fooling myself all these years, and deep down I still wanted a baby. Well, this realization hit me like a ton of bricks, and I am still dealing with the bruises.
As of today, I have gotten more than one negative result on a home pregnancy test, which didn't really surprise me, but left me rather confused.
If I had gotten a positive result, I would be nine weeks, almost ten. My symptoms match the timeline. I have to assume that either my paranoia has caused some of these symptoms, or my period is just building up and getting ready to assault me.
Either way, my hormones are wreaking havoc on my poor body. I feel as though my antidepressants aren't doing their jobs anymore, I am so irrational and unstable.
For the past two weeks, my thoughts have not strayed from pregnancy. Even if I wanted to stop, it is literally everywhere! It seems everyone I know on Facebook is pregnant, my best friend Rose is pregnant (announced 48 hours ago), all the movies and TV shows are talking about it, everyone on my mommy message board is pregnant. It's enough to drive this girl crazy!
So, what now? Well I will call Dr. J. tomorrow and try to get an appointment for the next day, and discuss everything with her. I will ask for a new diagnosis on my depression (I suspect bi polar depression), I will ask for blood tests to rule out pregnancy, and check my progesterone levels to see if I can get pregnant. If my levels are low again, I will go on the pill to regulate my cycles, and take the time to decide what my next move is.
What I DO know is that I want to conceive, and the sooner the better; I don't want a large age gap between children. This may change my plans, but I can adapt to make everything work. I have a great support system, and a wonderful daughter who would pay for a baby sister or brother.
So this is my newest quest: Find a baby daddy. Should be fun!
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