?????

I have been rather confused lately, and enormously depressed, so I haven't felt the desire to blog. I thought I was pregnant, took a store's worth amount of tests, swore I saw a line on one of them but not the rest, went to the doctor, had my heart broken, and started bleeding.

That's the short version.

My doctor told me to accept my cycles because there is nothing I can do about it, and I intend to prove her wrong.

I have been spotting for oh.. three weeks or so, with all different colors showing on my toilet paper, but nothing further than that.

My breasts have been hurting like an S.O.B., which is not something I am used to. They look different too, all veiny and large-areolaed (I know those aren't words Mr. Spellcheck, but I'm tired and depressed. Leave me alone.)

Over the past few days, my spotting has been increasing, and now I think I can definitely call it a period, which puts me into another cycle, but I haven't the foggiest day which day I'm on.

It is a definite slap in the face to tell me I'm not pregnant, when I have been holding onto the thinnest thread of hope with my "symptoms." Really, I knew all along, but it's so hard to accept the fact that I have to start trying all over again, when I wished so hard for a Christmas surprise.

So now I plan for January. New year--new baby? I hope so! This also means that if I conceive right away, the baby will be due at the same time Montana and Tristan were due. Yeah. Scary. Wonderful. Incredible.

I am looking into different natural and prescribed stimulants to make conception possible, and it could take a while to know if I ovulate on my own, or if I need something to help.

I am trying to find a basal body thermometer so I can start charting my temperatures, and I am still checking my cervix.

Hopefully the next time I blog I will have a better idea of where I am in my cycle. Even though my heart broke when I realized this spotting wasn't implantation, it is nice to know that I ovulated, and will again hopefully.

I just wish the commercials and T.V. shows would leave me alone for a while.