I had a dream

The other night I had this wonderful dream which left me heartbroken when I woke up: Boy Toy came up to me and asked if I was going to have a boy or a girl, and I didn't understand what he meant. He told me he'd heard that I was looking to have a baby, and he wanted to help! I was beyond thrilled! If only my good dreams came true, instead of the bad ones.

I talked to Rose tonight! I haven't had a chance to talk to her in a while, so it was nice. She is eight weeks along now, I can't believe it. I am so excited for her.

She wants me to be pregnant with her, which I had joked about when she first talked about conceiving, but I am starting to believe that won't happen, and it's making me feel very empty inside.

I am on the third week of birth control, and my period is showing signs of coming. It has been almost three months. I'm hoping next month I will ovulate, just in case the opportunity should coming knocking (me up).

I have to constantly remind myself this may never happen because sometimes I get so overwhelmed with wanting and it's breaking my heart.

One Week Later..

It has been one week since I saw my doctor and had blood drawn. I called today to see if they had the results, and the receptionist (bitchy is back) told me everything was "good." So as far as I can gather, my thyroid is behaving as it should, I am not in peri-menopause, and basically everything inside me is business as usual. Or, at least, that's what it's showing via my blood.

I still have not gotten my period, which could be due to the birth control pills, there is no way to tell at this point. However, if it is because of the pill, I should be getting my period in two weeks.

I joined a couple dating sites, and so far: No luck. I am having fun chatting with strangers, I'll admit, but it seems that when guys see my picture they lose interest. It is a little discouraging. Luckily, though, I'm not investing my heart this time, so rejection is a slightly smaller pill to swallow than it was in the past.

So not much has changed in the last week, on with the hunt!

The First Day of the Rest of My Life

Today has been.. hmm. Depressing? Disappointing? Hopeful? There aren't enough words to describe it.

I went to the doctor, and I am indeed, not pregnant. At least, as far as her urine test showed. I was not the slightest bit surprised, but I was still sad and disappointed. I explained my situation to her, from the difference in my depression to my plan to get pregnant, and she advised I go on birth control to ease my mind and body. She sent me down the hall to get blood drawn--three vials from my hand thank you very much--and she should have the results in 2-3 business days at most. I asked her to check my thyroid and progesterone, but she thinks the latter won't help me much in knowing my fertility. She did, however, have me tested for menopausal symptoms, which is a bit unnerving. She has patients that are in peri-menopause at ages 32 and 36, so she wants to be sure I'm not heading that way. I'm sure it will show I am not anywhere near that, but if I were, I'd be in a bigger rush to conceive.

I think Dr. J. needs to check my chart again; she also advised that it is a bit harder to raise children at an older age. I just turned 28, I think I can handle it just as well, if not better, than at 19. I fully expect all the emotions that come with child rearing; frustration, exhaustion, loneliness, joy, love, happiness. I am ready for all of that. The difference this time around, though, is that I have a fantastic daughter who is more than willing to help out, and will make it all that much more enjoyable.

After my appointment, I went downstairs to the pharmacy to see my favorite pharmacist, Min, who knows me by name. He hooked me up with my much needed antidepressants, and also a month of birth control pills. He said I could take them immediately because I don't know when my period will come. So I did, as soon as I got in the car.

When I got to work, I was spotting. How is that for timing? Ah, Mother Nature has such a twisted sense of humor.

SO. Now I am officially on the hunt. Where do I begin? Dating websites? The bar? Hooker Alley? Okay so I am kidding about that last one. I am at a loss right now. Luckily I have a few weeks for the pill to regulate me and then I can pinpoint ovulation. I will create a profile tonight on a dating site, just to have it out there, and see what comes of that.

Today was a very emotional day, but I now know for sure that I am not pregnant, and can plan on becoming so. Once my period comes, my blog titles will be based on where I am in my cycle, and then (God willing) where I am in pregnancy. Wish me luck!

The Waiting Game

I called Dr. J.'s office this morning, and the receptionist (someone different than the regular bitchy one--dare I get my hopes up that she is gone?) told me Dr. J. was booked up but if there was a cancellation she would call me. She finally called me back at 4:30 and told me I have an appointment tomorrow morning at 9:15. I'm so nervous!

I have discovered a new symptom, which could indicate an upcoming period, but is also a hint of pregnancy: Chadwick's Sign. It is a personal change, so I won't go into details, but lets just say my color has changed a bit. I assume it is for my period, but nothing else in that region is pointing that way; my discharge has not changed, and my cervix is still high.

I've also noticed veins popping up where I've never seen before, which is a good sign.

Most of that is moot though, because I am certain the doctor will confirm the negative results. This is why I am so nervous. I don't know if I am stable enough for her to make it official, even though I expect it.

Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life! I will discuss options with Dr. J., and tell her what I want to happen in the next few months. It's scary and exciting. Wish me luck!

Peekaboo!

New symptom. I noticed this last week, but thought my eyes were funny. I have two teensy weensy brown circular spots on my legs, much like birthmarks. I do have one tiny birthmark on my leg, but that's it. Now I have these two spots out of nowhere. So I thought, maybe just scars or my eyes are playing tricks. Today I noticed some discoloration on my arm. It is very strange to suddenly have new "birth" marks. My cheek seemed to darken a couple weeks ago, too, but I blamed the sun, which more than likely is the cause. One spot or patch of dark skin would be explainable, but all over my body, well that just makes me feel crazier.

Also, I've read several times that excess saliva is a symptom, which I don't remember with my pregnancy. Reading this is discouraging because I have been the opposite, but then I read tonight that it can go either way. I feel like I have no spit whatsoever, and need to drink steady to sate it. This can also be a symptom of Diabetes, which I have been tested for in the past, and because I have low blood sugar it may be related, so this is something I want checked out.

I called the doctor's office today, but got a message saying the office is closed until tomorrow. Bummer. I have my doubts I will be able to get in to see Dr. J. tomorrow, but we'll see.

I had a dream this morning that I got my period, and it was so vivid and realistic that it woke me up, so I went to the bathroom, but, it was just a dream. No period yet.

After I put Montana to bed I signed into Facebook, and the first thing I see is my friend's sonogram. I knew she had an ultrasound tonight, but it's like cold water down my shirt. She is ten weeks pregnant, which is just a bit further than I would be, if this were a real (as opposed to in my head) pregnancy. It hurt. What could I do? I commented and congratulated. But inside, I want to die.


****Two hours later: I just noticed two more spots on my other arm. One is in almost the exact same spot as the arm in the picture. Freaky.****

Nine Weeks Along

IF I were pregnant right now, I would be nine weeks. Here's the story:

Beginning of June, I got my period. It was a normal one; spotting for the first few days, and then heavy on the flow for the next 5 days. My periods for the past year have been this way, due to being on the pill during my last relationship. My cycles have always been irregular, with the exception of the months following my 18th birthday up until I got pregnant (six months later) and this past year. I have been getting my period every month, and always get the spotting for a few days, sometimes a week, before my actual period comes, which is pretty aggravating, because I feel like I have it for 10-12 days. And then my next one will come probably a month after it ends, rather than a month after it starts. That has been my cycle for the past year and a bit.

June 12th I went to a party at my friend's house, and hooked up (is that what the kids call it these days?) with a very sexy friend of hers. We did use protection, don't worry! Chances of conceiving that morning (it actually occurred around 5:00 AM on the 13th) are fatter than I am.


A couple years ago I had a similar experience, I had a friends-with-benefits type vacation, and thought I was pregnant. I went to the doctor, asked for a blood test, and it came back negative as expected. Not only was I told I had an empty uterus, but I was also told that it may remain that way as I had low levels of progesterone and that could make it difficult or impossible to conceive in the future. I was devastated. My doctor did tell me, however, that my levels may increase with the help of birth control pills. I didn't see the need for them at the time, so I went through a very rough depression, thought about my life, and decided that with Montana being half grown, being financially unstable, and being single, I should let go of my wish for another child. It worked.


A couple weeks ago I realized I hadn't had a period in almost two months, and my body seemed a bit "off." My symptoms over the past month have been:

1. No period. This alone isn't a red flag because of my history in irregularity.
2. Cramping. For about a week I had cramping off and on, not very bad like with my periods, just kind of annoying.
3. Backache. My lower back has also been annoying, but not unbearable.
   
4. High cervix. Again, this isn't real helpful as I don't check it normally, but if my period is coming soon, it should be low, and hasn't been at all in the past two weeks.
5. Increased discharge. Sometimes I have more before my period, but it's only for maybe 2-3 days at the most, and it has now been 2-3 weeks. Also, before my period, I get spotting with the discharge, and this has not been present.
   
6. Bloating. Crazy bloating. I do bloat once in a while before my period (usually during it actually) but only once in a while.
7. Breast changes. My areolae are much bigger than usual. This is not normal for me. They aren't too much darker, but they are almost half the size of my breasts, are showing their little Montgomery's Tubercles, and are very veiny--almost to the point of popping through my skin. The nipples are tingling this week, it feels like I'm ready to breastfeed (I remember the feeling well). The breasts themselves are not sore or sensitive, but they never are with my period, and weren't with my pregnancy until the second trimester, and even then it didn't last long.
8. Pressure. It feels like my cervix is going to burst and start flooding.
   
9. Headaches. For about a month I had one continuous headache. I get headaches a lot, but this was steady. It seems to have gone away now, thank goodness.
   
10. Emotional. Mood swings, crying jags, all that. This is also out of character for me. I don't remember it even happening in my pregnancy. I hate it, I have no control over my emotions, and I cry almost every day for one reason or another.
11. Dizziness. A couple weeks ago at work I was dizzy for the better part of two hours. Since then it comes and goes.
12. Nausea. I have not thrown up at all, but I have been close enough to visit the washroom.
    

I am not overly tired, which is a missing symptom. I remember fighting to stay awake with my pregnancy; quitting one of my jobs to get the needed rest.

Once I started to notice these changes, I became paranoid. After a few days of worrying, I started to think this might not be such a bad thing! In fact, I really do want to be pregnant! Wait, what? How did that happen? Where is my sensibility? Apparently I have been fooling myself all these years, and deep down I still wanted a baby. Well, this realization hit me like a ton of bricks, and I am still dealing with the bruises.

As of today, I have gotten more than one negative result on a home pregnancy test, which didn't really surprise me, but left me rather confused.

If I had gotten a positive result, I would be nine weeks, almost ten. My symptoms match the timeline. I have to assume that either my paranoia has caused some of these symptoms, or my period is just building up and getting ready to assault me.

Either way, my hormones are wreaking havoc on my poor body. I feel as though my antidepressants aren't doing their jobs anymore, I am so irrational and unstable.

For the past two weeks, my thoughts have not strayed from pregnancy. Even if I wanted to stop, it is literally everywhere! It seems everyone I know on Facebook is pregnant, my best friend Rose is pregnant (announced 48 hours ago), all the movies and TV shows are talking about it, everyone on my mommy message board is pregnant. It's enough to drive this girl crazy!

So, what now? Well I will call Dr. J. tomorrow and try to get an appointment for the next day, and discuss everything with her. I will ask for a new diagnosis on my depression (I suspect bi polar depression), I will ask for blood tests to rule out pregnancy, and check my progesterone levels to see if I can get pregnant. If my levels are low again, I will go on the pill to regulate my cycles, and take the time to decide what my next move is.

What I DO know is that I want to conceive, and the sooner the better; I don't want a large age gap between children. This may change my plans, but I can adapt to make everything work. I have a great support system, and a wonderful daughter who would pay for a baby sister or brother.

So this is my newest quest: Find a baby daddy. Should be fun!

Birth of a blog

Hello, reader! This will be a short introduction, because I can explain most of my reasons and details in future blogs.

I am a single mother to Montana*, who is soon turning nine, and I live with my mother who is also raising a child alone: My brother Tristan* who will be turning eleven the same day as Montana turns nine. I have 3 pets: Pom Pom*, my dog, and cats Bear* and Kitteh*. I work part time in a wonderful office, and leave in time to pick the kids up from school. I am thinking of going back to school, and will know more in a couple months. My life is full, I have fantastic friends, and for the most part I am happy with the general. I deal with depression, though, which takes away from the every day, and is adding to my already emotional state. That's me, in print!

So, here is what this blog will entail:

• My current and future womanly issues
• My increasingly heightening baby fever
• My doctor appointments
• My results on the dating front
• My emotional ups and downs
• Anything else I dam well want to include!

You now have fair warning: This blog may seem like too much information for you, but it is a personal blog!

**I do not use real names in my blogs, so you will know me as Mamakee, my daughter is Montana, my brother is Tristan, and any other people I talk about will be given appropriate names.