CD44

It has been almost three weeks since I last blogged here, so I thought I would do a little update. As you can tell from my title, I have not gotten my period this month, so I probably need more birth control pills to get it going again.

This incessant need for pregnancy is only increasing, and it is spilling into my subconscious, taking over my only secure time: Sleep. Every waking minute is filled with the desperation I feel for becoming pregnant, and now I am dreaming about it. This morning I had a dream about packing up my clothes (we are moving soon) and deciding to separate my summer and winter clothes. This reminded me of when I used to do that years ago; I had a walk in closet, so I kept my seasonal clothes packed away, and did this with Montana's clothes as well. She was a baby at the time. This led to uncontrollable sobbing in my dream, which caused such sadness I awoke.

Yesterday I went to a birthday party for two kids: One turning 9, one turning 2. I met their mother in prenatal class, and we are still friends nine years later. She is now expecting number three, and she had friends at the party who are also pregnant, and a couple friends who have babies or toddlers. I started tearing up when she talked about her pregnancy, but I bit my tongue to keep the tears from falling, and pasted a smile on my face. I am happy for her, and I didn't want my selfish need to cloud that.

During the last week I spoke with Rose, who is 15 weeks into her pregnancy; found out a high school friend had her baby; held my friend's six-week-old infant; and found out a friend of the family had her 4D ultrasound and was told she will be having a girl. It is too much for me, I cannot keep faking happiness for everyone else. Well, that's not entirely true--I AM extremely happy for all of them. However, I am more sad for myself, which is causing conflict in my heart.

After yesterday, I decided to look online for sperm donors. I know this isn't ideal, especially in my financial situation, but looking can't hurt, right? I actually found some websites that offer free donation, kind of like dating sites but rather than search for a soulmate, one can search for sperm, eggs, or surrogacy (what a world we live in!) I don't know how legitimate these sites are, but it is worth looking into, at least for me.

So this is where I am these days. Still an emotional wreck, but looking into alternative ways to achieve my most desired goal: A brand new baby in my womb.