?????

I have been rather confused lately, and enormously depressed, so I haven't felt the desire to blog. I thought I was pregnant, took a store's worth amount of tests, swore I saw a line on one of them but not the rest, went to the doctor, had my heart broken, and started bleeding.

That's the short version.

My doctor told me to accept my cycles because there is nothing I can do about it, and I intend to prove her wrong.

I have been spotting for oh.. three weeks or so, with all different colors showing on my toilet paper, but nothing further than that.

My breasts have been hurting like an S.O.B., which is not something I am used to. They look different too, all veiny and large-areolaed (I know those aren't words Mr. Spellcheck, but I'm tired and depressed. Leave me alone.)

Over the past few days, my spotting has been increasing, and now I think I can definitely call it a period, which puts me into another cycle, but I haven't the foggiest day which day I'm on.

It is a definite slap in the face to tell me I'm not pregnant, when I have been holding onto the thinnest thread of hope with my "symptoms." Really, I knew all along, but it's so hard to accept the fact that I have to start trying all over again, when I wished so hard for a Christmas surprise.

So now I plan for January. New year--new baby? I hope so! This also means that if I conceive right away, the baby will be due at the same time Montana and Tristan were due. Yeah. Scary. Wonderful. Incredible.

I am looking into different natural and prescribed stimulants to make conception possible, and it could take a while to know if I ovulate on my own, or if I need something to help.

I am trying to find a basal body thermometer so I can start charting my temperatures, and I am still checking my cervix.

Hopefully the next time I blog I will have a better idea of where I am in my cycle. Even though my heart broke when I realized this spotting wasn't implantation, it is nice to know that I ovulated, and will again hopefully.

I just wish the commercials and T.V. shows would leave me alone for a while.

2WW D17

Took another test this morning, and it was negative. I wasn't surprised, of course, but I was disappointed. I ignored the heart ache all day, and I feel sick from the sadness. I know I need to learn to be patient, most people don't conceive right away, but with my body, I don't know if it will happen at all.

I am so frustrated! I am sad, lonely, disappointed, depressed. I want to SCREAM! I want to cry, and hurt myself. I want to throw up. There is so much going on in my head and my heart, and I can't really fix it.

I hate my body! I want to know what the hell it's doing! Am I ovulating? Am I pregnant and not registering it yet? Am I infertile?

Women complain every month about their periods, but they don't know how lucky they are. If I had a regular, predictable cycle, I wouldn't be going through this. As it stands, I don't know when I ovulate, or even if I do. It is so unfair.

Meanwhile there are women everywhere having more babies, and some of them shouldn't be. What did I do to deserve this pain?

Anyway. No point going on and on about it, it doesn't make me feel better. I need a good cry, I think.

My next step is to call the doctor and make an appointment. There is still a chance that I conceived five days ago, so I will make the appointment for late next week or the week after. I need to talk to my doctor about what I am going through, and see what she suggests.

Just in case, I will keep up the charade that I may still be pregnant.

2WW D17
Symptoms:

• Fatigue
• Nausea
• Prominent veins
• Bloated
• High cervix