2WW D15

Okay now I'm past the "two week" part of the "two week wait," but we're just gonna roll with it. My body is unusual, so my titles should reflect that.

When I got up today and went to the bathroom, there was a bit of brown and pink blood on the toilet paper. This is very confusing. I possibly conceived 15, 11, and 3 days ago. I don't think it would be implantation bleeding at this point, and if I had ovulated last week, it couldn't be that or my period. So what is it? There is a chance that a woman can spot for the entire trimester, so I am taking it as a good sign, and keep positive.

I am planning on taking another test the day after tomorrow, depending on how tomorrow goes.

2WW D15
Symptoms:

• Brown and pink spotting
• Headaches
• High cervix
• Fatigue

2WW D12

It has been the longest week in the history of the world, I swear. I was falling asleep at work every single day--oh except the day I got to work late because I had slept in and left the house two hours later than I normally do.

I have been checking my cervix every day, and it seems to me that maybe I have been ovulating, and not implanting or becoming pregnant. I can't be sure, but I took a test this morning and it was negative, so if it has implanted it is just too soon to tell. I ovulate so rarely and irregularly that I don't know how to recognize it if it happens, but after reading everything available online, it seems feasible that my wonderful, adoring body decided to offer up an egg a week after the sperm was looking for it. Way to go, uterus.

After the BFN (Big Fat Negative), I tried to get through the day like it was just a regular Friday, but I didn't do so well. I fought back the urge to cry while I was at work, and wondered if I was really willing to put myself through this for an indefinite period of time.

Once I thought it through, I realized that either A) I'm not far along in pregnancy for it to register on a test, or B) I am ovulating and should take advantage of it. So I texted SD1, and had him come over after work, just in case.

Because I do not know what is happening with my body, I do not know if I am in day 12 of the two week wait, or if I am just starting the two week wait. For now I will stick with 2WW D12, until I know for sure.

All I know is, this baby making business is making me crazy! Six months ago I was hoping to start a relationship with a man I had been in love with for years, with no babies in mind, and now I am answering my door in underwear and a housecoat, ready for a mere acquaintance to knock me up. Strange turn of events, if you ask me.

This morning I was down about as far as I could be. Tonight, I am building up my hope again. This has to work, it just has to.

2WW D12
Symptoms:

• Soft, high cervix
• Plenty of cervical mucus
• Severe bloating
• Fatigue
• Negative test
• Headaches
• Dizziness
• Dry mouth/severe thirst
• Post nasal drip/congestion
  

2WW D9

I think I am implanting! I am feeling pretty uncomfortable, have been for the last few hours off and on. It feels like my period is coming, but more uncomfortable than that; not painfully crampy, just achy. It's difficult to sit here, but that makes me happy because it means I may be making a baby!

My cervix is back to feeling the way it did before, so I don't know what that means, but I'm still staying hopeful and positive.

I am exhausted, though. Montana and I slept in this morning, so I called the school and told them she'd be there at recess, and we stayed in bed an extra hour. It helped, I was awake at work, but I fell asleep watching one of my favorite movies an hour ago. I think I need to go to bed earlier.

So at this point, things are looking good, but I won't get my hopes up too high, it's possible that I'm finally ovulating and will get my period in a couple weeks.

2WW D9
Symptoms

• Crampy
• Exhausted
• Increased mucous
• Headaches
• Tugging, aching feeling at my cervix
  

2WW D8

It is getting increasingly difficult waiting out this two weeks, which I expected. I'm not stressing, which is surprising to me, I am just curious and hopeful. The more I think about it, the more I want to be pregnant immediately to no longer necessitate seeing SD1. I am worried the more time I spend with him, the more he'll want to keep getting together. If I have conceived, I can cut off contact now, and he can move on.

During the last few days, I have had the occasional spot of pink blood, about the size of a pen point, which isn't out of the ordinary, but has given me hope nonetheless.

I talked to Rose tonight (who is in her 21st week by the way--YAY!!) and told her about it, and she, too, is hopeful for me. After I hung up the phone I went to the bathroom, and there was quite a bit more pink and red blood. I checked my cervix, and it feels different. I have checked my cervix many times over the last two years, when I suspected pregnancy two separate times. I have been checking it on a not-so-regular basis for months now, so that I would know the differences it goes through in a cycle. I have been checking every night since I decided to actively try for pregnancy, and it has basically felt the same each time. Sometimes high, sometimes low, always the same firmness, different stages of mucous. Tonight, the firmness has completely changed; it is notably soft, much like an overripe plum as described by medical professionals. I have never felt this before, so I am taking it as a very good sign!

Just one more week before I can test!

2WW D8
Symptoms

• Bloating
• Soft cervix
• Fatigue (due to a busy weekend, but noteworthy nonetheless)
• Slight spotting
  

2WW D4

I met with SD1 again tonight, hoping to increase my chances, and had him sign the agreement I typed up. He had no problem signing it, which put me at ease. I feel much better having that now, even if it won't completely protect me in court, it will sure help.

These past few days I have been going through all the emotions possible: Anxious, hopeful, doubtful, excited, scared, sad, happy. Tonight, I feel low and depressed. I found out another friend is pregnant, and it damn near tore my heart out. I've been expecting this one for a while, and am not overly happy about it for various reasons, but mainly I am just taking it way too personally. It feels like the universe is against me. Even though I could very well be creating a baby right now, I'm scared that I'm not and will never be. Yet all around me, pregnancies are spreading like an epidemic.

When I got home tonight, I put Friends on, and Rachel was giving birth. Thanks cable. I left it on though, because I like to torture myself.

My plan now is to wait until the two weeks are up, and then take a test. Either way it ends up I will be making an appointment with my doctor. If it is negative, I would like to either have tests done to see why I'm not getting my period, or go on birth control to kickstart it. That would mean another month of waiting, and although I know it is such a short period of time, but right now each minute is agony.

2WW D4
Symptoms

• Increased CM
• Light pink spotting
• Bloating
  

2WW D1

See the title? See it??? Okay, you see it. Do you understand what it means? If you haven't been on TTC (trying to conceive) boards, you likely don't recognize it. So I will enlighten you: 2WW stands for 2 Week Wait, and D1 is obviously Day 1. So I am in the very first day of the 2 week wait, which is the period between attempted conception and the day one can test for pregnancy.

So, if you haven't realized it by now, I attempted conception last night! *wink wink* I won't dwell on the details, suffice it to say that I went for coffee with SD1, saw his test results with my own eyes, and went for gold.

I have no idea if I'm anywhere near ovulation, seeing as it has been 73 days since my period started (aye aye aye!) but I figured trying would only increase my chances rather than hinder them.

What this means is that I may not officially be in the 2WW if I haven't ovulated, but I will be watching for symptoms, and testing in two weeks if my period hasn't shown up.

I feel very weird right now, almost a full feeling, which is unusual. I don't know if it's just the idea of what happened last night, or if my body is reacting, but I will try to stay positive.

So for the next two weeks, and probably beyond if I keep meeting with SD1, I will list any symptoms I have, much like I did in the first blog.

2WW D1
Symptoms:

• Bloating
• Feeling of fullness in pelvic area

That's all, of course, and more than likely they are due to other reasons, but I want to keep track just in case! Baby dust my way!

CD72

Has it been ten days since my last blog? Wow. I have been dealing with quite a bit lately, between the move, and a death in the family, and work, I haven't put much thought into my hunt.

Last night I went to a friend's house for a few drinks, and we talked about Boy Toy. I tried to convince them to call him, but they didn't want a party, so it was just us. I talked to my friend about the desire to become pregnant, and she was very supportive.

I woke up today feeling sad, and signed in to Facebook to see another baby has been born to a school friend I didn't even know was pregnant. It was like a punch in the gut.

So I took a bold step, chatted with SD1 for a while, and now we have a date. I'm going out for coffee with him tonight, and see how it goes. He is bringing his test results, which shows everything but the HIV results which haven't been processed yet, so I will look those over, and go from there.

I'm very nervous!! I doubt I'm ovulating, but I figure a coffee date won't hurt. I thought I was spotting a bit a week or so ago, so it's possible that I could get pregnant, but I won't get my hopes up. Wish me luck! I'll blog again post-date.

CD62

Not much has happened in the last week due to the fact that I've moved and haven't had Internet since, and have been focused more on unpacking than I have on conceiving. I did check my email yesterday at work, though, and noticed I got a message from SD1 to let me know that he got his test results back (excluding HIV) and everything is perfect.

While I was at a party on the weekend, my good friends were talking to me about Boy Toy. Apparently he has been told that I now live on the same street as our mutual friend S, and he is happy about that. I'm not sure why though, seeing as he lives in a different city. S and S are planning on another party this month, however, and I am hoping to see Boy Toy. He is my dream baby daddy.

I unpacked a few boxes yesterday, and came across my keepsake boxes from when Montana was a baby. There were cards congratulating me on my new baby girl, diapers, and booties. I was ready to cry. It is hard to believe that so long ago my daughter was so tiny. I miss it beyond belief.

I'm not sure what to do at this point. I still haven't had my period, so I won't be ovulating yet anyway, so I may wait to see Boy Toy and see how that goes, and then decide what to do about SD1 & 2. Will update when I know more!