After my blog last night, SD2 came online and I started a conversation with him, and I'm so glad I did! He explained things a little better for me, and told me what he needs from me and what I can get from him. It was a lot more personable than the original email; it was nice talking to him as a person rather than a client or uterus.
We talked about meeting, about natural vs artificial insemination, and about my parenting. I feel much more comfortable talking with him than I do with SD1, so I'm hoping to get to know him better, and get my ovulation in check! Things are looking good! Very exciting!
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
CD53
After going through all my emails the other night, there is only one person I am still talking to, we'll call him SD1. We have been emailing back and forth for three days, and now I am chatting to him online. He is very gung-ho about the whole idea, obviously for his own selfish needs, and went for some blood tests for me.
He sent me some pictures, and I think we could have a cute baby together, so I am getting to know him. I'm not certain I will choose him, though, because he has the potential to get on my nerves. This doesn't matter in the long run, of course, but I worry he may try to contact me afterward. For this reason he does not know any information aside from general facts. He knows my first name, but nothing else about me except I have a daughter, and I think I told him my age. Now we're talking about our dogs. He can email me all he wants, but when I get pregnant (by him or otherwise) I will delete that account.
A couple days ago I received an email from another guy, we'll call him SD2. I had been looking online at donor sites and there was this one man on a few sites who interested me, but couldn't contact him because I needed to pay money first. Apparently he noticed my interest, and sent me a message. Once I responded, he sent me an outline of how the process works, and told me to contact him if I am interested.
So I do have a couple options so far, but I think I need to see the doctor first to make sure I can conceive, and have any necessary tests taken care of.
For now, I am just going to get to know SD1 and see where that goes.
He sent me some pictures, and I think we could have a cute baby together, so I am getting to know him. I'm not certain I will choose him, though, because he has the potential to get on my nerves. This doesn't matter in the long run, of course, but I worry he may try to contact me afterward. For this reason he does not know any information aside from general facts. He knows my first name, but nothing else about me except I have a daughter, and I think I told him my age. Now we're talking about our dogs. He can email me all he wants, but when I get pregnant (by him or otherwise) I will delete that account.
A couple days ago I received an email from another guy, we'll call him SD2. I had been looking online at donor sites and there was this one man on a few sites who interested me, but couldn't contact him because I needed to pay money first. Apparently he noticed my interest, and sent me a message. Once I responded, he sent me an outline of how the process works, and told me to contact him if I am interested.
So I do have a couple options so far, but I think I need to see the doctor first to make sure I can conceive, and have any necessary tests taken care of.
For now, I am just going to get to know SD1 and see where that goes.
Friday, October 22, 2010
CD49
I did the unthinkable. I can't even say what I did. Suffice it to say, I am becoming more and more desperate with each passing day, and I am taking steps toward creating my own pregnancy, with the help of the Internet. Yes, the Internet.
Most people will think this is crazy, myself included, but so strong is my desire to conceive that I will try almost anything, as long as I am safe.
It's ironic: When I was pregnant with Montana, my best friend at the time wanted a baby, and employed her ex-boyfriend as the donor. I was extremely judgmental, and disagreed with her decision from the get-go. Now I feel like a complete hypocrite, which is a big pet peeve of mine--hypocrisy. I'll be honest though, it was more the idea of her having a child than the conception that bothered me, so I can't say for certain that if I expected her to be a good mother that I would still disagree with her decision. Still, it feels good to get it off my chest: I am a hypocrite. I'm sorry old best friend!
Moving on... I have twelve emails in my account now, not including ones I read and deleted, with offers to help me get pregnant. Shady? Perhaps, but I will be careful, of that you can be sure.
Montana's ninth birthday is fast approaching, and when she was born I thought for sure I'd have at least one or two more by her ninth birthday. It is hitting me hard, and added to the depression I already experience because of my empty uterus is too much to bear.
I will update with my email escapades!
Most people will think this is crazy, myself included, but so strong is my desire to conceive that I will try almost anything, as long as I am safe.
It's ironic: When I was pregnant with Montana, my best friend at the time wanted a baby, and employed her ex-boyfriend as the donor. I was extremely judgmental, and disagreed with her decision from the get-go. Now I feel like a complete hypocrite, which is a big pet peeve of mine--hypocrisy. I'll be honest though, it was more the idea of her having a child than the conception that bothered me, so I can't say for certain that if I expected her to be a good mother that I would still disagree with her decision. Still, it feels good to get it off my chest: I am a hypocrite. I'm sorry old best friend!
Moving on... I have twelve emails in my account now, not including ones I read and deleted, with offers to help me get pregnant. Shady? Perhaps, but I will be careful, of that you can be sure.
Montana's ninth birthday is fast approaching, and when she was born I thought for sure I'd have at least one or two more by her ninth birthday. It is hitting me hard, and added to the depression I already experience because of my empty uterus is too much to bear.
I will update with my email escapades!
Sunday, October 17, 2010
CD44
It has been almost three weeks since I last blogged here, so I thought I would do a little update. As you can tell from my title, I have not gotten my period this month, so I probably need more birth control pills to get it going again.
This incessant need for pregnancy is only increasing, and it is spilling into my subconscious, taking over my only secure time: Sleep. Every waking minute is filled with the desperation I feel for becoming pregnant, and now I am dreaming about it. This morning I had a dream about packing up my clothes (we are moving soon) and deciding to separate my summer and winter clothes. This reminded me of when I used to do that years ago; I had a walk in closet, so I kept my seasonal clothes packed away, and did this with Montana's clothes as well. She was a baby at the time. This led to uncontrollable sobbing in my dream, which caused such sadness I awoke.
Yesterday I went to a birthday party for two kids: One turning 9, one turning 2. I met their mother in prenatal class, and we are still friends nine years later. She is now expecting number three, and she had friends at the party who are also pregnant, and a couple friends who have babies or toddlers. I started tearing up when she talked about her pregnancy, but I bit my tongue to keep the tears from falling, and pasted a smile on my face. I am happy for her, and I didn't want my selfish need to cloud that.
During the last week I spoke with Rose, who is 15 weeks into her pregnancy; found out a high school friend had her baby; held my friend's six-week-old infant; and found out a friend of the family had her 4D ultrasound and was told she will be having a girl. It is too much for me, I cannot keep faking happiness for everyone else. Well, that's not entirely true--I AM extremely happy for all of them. However, I am more sad for myself, which is causing conflict in my heart.
After yesterday, I decided to look online for sperm donors. I know this isn't ideal, especially in my financial situation, but looking can't hurt, right? I actually found some websites that offer free donation, kind of like dating sites but rather than search for a soulmate, one can search for sperm, eggs, or surrogacy (what a world we live in!) I don't know how legitimate these sites are, but it is worth looking into, at least for me.
So this is where I am these days. Still an emotional wreck, but looking into alternative ways to achieve my most desired goal: A brand new baby in my womb.
This incessant need for pregnancy is only increasing, and it is spilling into my subconscious, taking over my only secure time: Sleep. Every waking minute is filled with the desperation I feel for becoming pregnant, and now I am dreaming about it. This morning I had a dream about packing up my clothes (we are moving soon) and deciding to separate my summer and winter clothes. This reminded me of when I used to do that years ago; I had a walk in closet, so I kept my seasonal clothes packed away, and did this with Montana's clothes as well. She was a baby at the time. This led to uncontrollable sobbing in my dream, which caused such sadness I awoke.
Yesterday I went to a birthday party for two kids: One turning 9, one turning 2. I met their mother in prenatal class, and we are still friends nine years later. She is now expecting number three, and she had friends at the party who are also pregnant, and a couple friends who have babies or toddlers. I started tearing up when she talked about her pregnancy, but I bit my tongue to keep the tears from falling, and pasted a smile on my face. I am happy for her, and I didn't want my selfish need to cloud that.
During the last week I spoke with Rose, who is 15 weeks into her pregnancy; found out a high school friend had her baby; held my friend's six-week-old infant; and found out a friend of the family had her 4D ultrasound and was told she will be having a girl. It is too much for me, I cannot keep faking happiness for everyone else. Well, that's not entirely true--I AM extremely happy for all of them. However, I am more sad for myself, which is causing conflict in my heart.
After yesterday, I decided to look online for sperm donors. I know this isn't ideal, especially in my financial situation, but looking can't hurt, right? I actually found some websites that offer free donation, kind of like dating sites but rather than search for a soulmate, one can search for sperm, eggs, or surrogacy (what a world we live in!) I don't know how legitimate these sites are, but it is worth looking into, at least for me.
So this is where I am these days. Still an emotional wreck, but looking into alternative ways to achieve my most desired goal: A brand new baby in my womb.
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