CD24--Luteal Phase

I am just a few days away from my next period, if it comes, and I am no more pregnant than I was a month ago. Not only am I not pregnant, but I think I am putting the hunt on hold for a while.

The guy I blogged about in my last entry decided not to speak with me again. He was very interested, on Thursday, but come Friday he was neglectful. I am tired of the constant rejection, and I am just plain tired. I feel like all the hope and optimism I was allotted for this lifetime has run out, and there are no free refills.

More than ever, I want a baby. I spoke with Rose, and told her the miracle of breastfeeding to try and veer her away from her closed minded fear of it, and it just made my heart sink into my empty uterus. It is the most awful feeling, this feeling of wanting.

I am not putting motherhood on a shelf, I am just taking a break from the act of hunting. I will blog again when I am feeling a bit better.

Thanks for reading.

CD21--Luteal Phase

Okay it has been two weeks since I blogged apparently. I haven't had much to update about, life has been the same: Work, take care of kids and pets, party, not be pregnant. My period is due again in a week, and I don't know if I am still ovulating.

I have been going on dating sites without much luck, but tonight something interesting happened: I got a message from a cute guy in my town, and on the side of the page there was an advertisement (we will ignore what it may or may not have been advertising) that showed sperm trying to join an egg. I don't know if this is a sign or not, but it did put a smile on my face!

An hour later, I am chatting with this guy, and he is ready to sex right now! He has seen three pictures of me and is telling me we should get naked. Normally, I would shoo him away, but because of my project, I think I will play along for a while.

This has been a rough week or two (or ten) so I have to try new things! Wish me luck, I would love to try this new thing--wink wink!

CD3--FP

Usually when I get my period I get cramps the same day. I expected cramps yesterday, or the day before even, but they came today. Three months worth. With a vengeance.

I woke up sometime this morning to go pee, and because I had the day off, I went back to bed. It took me a while to fall asleep, and as I finally started dozing, the pain struck. Not only did I have paralyzing cramping, but I became very nauseous. I had Montana get me a bucket, but by some miracle I didn't actually throw up. My mom also had her bring me Advil and water, but I couldn't move for an hour to actually take it. When I finally leaned over to swallow the pills, my cat jumped onto the bed which jammed the glass of water into my teeth. Thanks Bear, I wanted more pain.

The last time I had a period this bad was when I was pregnant. I conceived the weekend before, so I still got one last period, and it was so painful it woke me up.

I didn't crawl out of bed until 4:00 p.m., and the rest of the day was very uneventful because I still wasn't completely well. It is now midnight and the cramps are coming back, so it is Advil and bed for this girl!

CD2--Follicular phase

I got my period yesterday! Finally! Three months and some change since the beginning of my last period. Now I can properly track my ovulation and hopefully plan fertilization!

Today I am actually on the second day of my cycle, but I could not post yesterday, so I am on CD2 (Cycle Day 2) of the follicular phase. I should be able to conceive two weeks from now.

Even after everything I have been through this summer, I still feel paranoid that I may have hurt a baby by bringing on my period with medication. I know there is/was no baby, but the thought is in the back of my mind. Once this week is finished, I can focus on the future. Let's hope for the best!

New titles to come?

Today I took the last pill in my birth control pack, which means my period should come tomorrow, or the next day. We shall see. Once that happens I will be using my cycle to label each blog so I can keep track of it.

My horoscope today was [not quote] "The goal you have set will require some sacrifices." [un-not quote] So I said to my mom, "Oh, so I will have to give up drinking while I'm pregnant?!" My mom said I need to make sure we have everything paid before I do that. Well, yes, of course, I wasn't suggesting I take food out of my existing child's mouth to prepare for a hypothetical baby!

I had another dream about Boy Toy. This one didn't work out in my favor; he married his girlfriend, who happened to be pregnant. Ouch. I'm not sure which is worse out of the two dreams, but I wish he would quit haunting them! I don't have feelings for him, but I think sometimes I view him as a potential babydaddy (maybe the only one) and that has penetrated my subconscious.

Nearly a month after creating this blog, I am no further than I was. My period, if it comes, will be three months late, and I have been all over the place since I last had it. It's okay though, I can now track ovulation and hope for the best!